During this time of being away from WordPress, God grew me and taught me many things. As it is, I’m not certain of what to share- because there’s just so many lessons on my mind. I think I’ll share on the thing that I have been struggling with for quite a few years; something that God caused me to see just within the past few days.
Before I begin, there’s an experience that is links everything up. Just after Gabriel and I got together, I was granted a gift of love; to love people, to just love them for who they are. At that point, I was so shocked and uncomfortable with the new experience that I rejected that gift immediately after.
Having said the above, I’m not proud to say that I’ve been with someone else (not Gabriel) before- nonetheless this experience taught me a lesson and instilled a fear in me; one of my greatest fears that I wasn’t able to let go of even when Gabriel and I got together for quite awhile: insecurity. Through insecurity, God is teaching me how to love(agape).
A girl is included (within these two situations), I shall refer to her as “B”. “B” happened to play a role in the time of the first boyfriend, and even now between Gabriel and I. Because of the first incident, it caused me to be cautious in dealing with her.
I was struggling with my insecurity, but my insecurity blinded me from seeing that this person needed me; needed people who really sincerely want to care/love. I didn’t know how to relate to her, because she was younger than I and because of the initial incident with my first boyfriend, because also that I was confused of why something in me wanted to love her (even as I was cautious of dealing with her). It was only last night that Gabriel told me more, and that I began to see what I couldn’t before.
She seemed as though she had everything, but that was her facade. She was similar to what I once was. My insecurity blinded me that I wasn’t able to see that she was still maturing; still grasping at what stable things may be around her (in a time of change)
As I thought about it, I wanted to sob, to weep- I wanted to love her but I couldn’t/didn’t know how to help, I feared greatly in case I took a wrong step and caused another misunderstanding, she couldn’t understand me, and God wants me to be there for her as a sister in Christ (that much I knew). As I took the first few steps in speaking to her last night, God showed me that this was a person who needed His love but is unwilling to trust people to give it.
10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41.10
I don’t usually have a problem relating to people, but this is one of the instances in which my strength has become my weakness- and in weakness, then my strength has come by seeking God at every step I took because I was terrified. As of the moment, she’s still distant and I’m still clueless (on how to handle situations) but I know that God will grant when He opens the doors.
I have a prayer request to the reader: please pray for both her and myself; that she may be receptive and that I may be understanding. Pray that the Spirit will be poured out onto us whenever we fellowship/speak, that the will of the Lord be done rightly.
Thank you truly.
