Before I begin, there’s an experience that is links everything up. Just after Gabriel and I got together, I was granted a gift of love; to love people, to just love them for who they are. At that point, I was so shocked and uncomfortable with the new experience that I rejected that gift immediately after.

Having said the above, I’m not proud to say that I’ve been with someone else (not Gabriel) before- nonetheless this experience taught me a lesson and instilled a fear in me; one of my greatest fears that I wasn’t able to let go of even when Gabriel and I got together for quite awhile: insecurity. Through insecurity, God is teaching me how to love(agape).

A girl is included (within these two situations), I shall refer to her as “B”. “B” happened to play a role in the time of the first boyfriend, and even now between Gabriel and I. Because of the first incident, it caused me to be cautious in dealing with her.

I was struggling with my insecurity, but my insecurity blinded me from seeing that this person needed me; needed people who really sincerely want to care/love. I didn’t know how to relate to her, because she was younger than I and because of the initial incident with my first boyfriend, because also that I was confused of why something in me wanted to love her (even as I was cautious of dealing with her). It was only last night that Gabriel told me more, and that I began to see what I couldn’t before.

She seemed as though she had everything, but that was her facade. She was similar to what I once was. My insecurity blinded me that I wasn’t able to see that she was still maturing; still grasping at what stable things may be around her (in a time of change)

As I thought about it, I wanted to sob, to weep- I wanted to love her but I couldn’t/didn’t know how to help, I feared greatly in case I took a wrong step and caused another misunderstanding, she couldn’t understand me, and God wants me to be there for her as a sister in Christ (that much I knew). As I took the first few steps in speaking to her last night, God showed me that this was a person who needed His love but is unwilling to trust people to give it.

10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41.10

I don’t usually have a problem relating to people, but this is one of the instances in which my strength has become my weakness- and in weakness, then my strength has come by seeking God at every step I took because I was terrified. As of the moment, she’s still distant and I’m still clueless (on how to handle situations) but I know that God will grant when He opens the doors.

I have a prayer request to the reader: please pray for both her and myself; that she may be receptive and that I may be understanding. Pray that the Spirit will be poured out onto us whenever we fellowship/speak, that the will of the Lord be done rightly.

Thank you truly.

This is God’s gift to man- that we should eat, drink and take pleasure in all our toils; that there is nothing better than to be joyful and to do food as long as live.

For v11 the Lord has made everything beautiful in its time.

Our trials, burdens and difficulties come at the time that God has intended them to come.So let us view them as gifts from God at the right time, that we may be made to be more like Christ- for God in His wisdom knows when to give and when to take away.

The faithfulness of God, who can comprehend? His thoughts, no man can decipher. The wisdom of God shines beside the rust of this world’s philosophy.

The Lord needs no counsel, He is wise beyond man’s understanding. With time, He builds His own and grows them to be like a flourishing tree- built on the Rock of our salvation. The Lord knows best; He gives and takes away at the appropriate time.

Therefore, let us hope in the Lord. He is faithful to grant His promises, He will not desert His children to the snares of the world.

Psalm 145.17-18
17 The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.

1 Cor 10.13
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

55:1 Give ear to my prayer, O God,
and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!
2 Attend to me, and answer me;
I am restless in my complaint and I moan,
3 because of the noise of the enemy,
because of the oppression of the wicked.
For they drop trouble upon me,
and in anger they bear a grudge against me.

4 My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death have fallen upon me.
5 Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
6 And I say, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
7 yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness; Selah
8 I would hurry to find a shelter
from the raging wind and tempest.”

9 Destroy, O Lord, divide their tongues;
for I see violence and strife in the city.
10 Day and night they go around it
on its walls,
and iniquity and trouble are within it;
11 ruin is in its midst;
oppression and fraud
do not depart from its marketplace.

12 For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
13 But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
14 We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God’s house we walked in the throng.
15 Let death steal over them;
let them go down to Sheol alive;
for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

16 But I call to God,
and the Lord will save me.
17 Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.
18 He redeems my soul in safety
from the battle that I wage,
for many are arrayed against me.
19 God will give ear and humble them,
he who is enthroned from of old, Selah
because they do not change
and do not fear God.

20 My companion stretched out his hand against his friends;
he violated his covenant.
21 His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

22 Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.

23 But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23.4[ESV]

Today has been incredibly tedious, and so vexing, to undergo. I’ve been pushed to the breaking point by an antagonistic and offensive person, and it is only by the grace of God that it goes no further than the point. It is only by His grace that I did not react adversely to the provoking and the trials.

I read Psalm 23 this morning, and as I reflect on it once again- I find that one lesson for me to learn from this situation may well be that I may not fear because my Lord is there with me. He knows what is best.

Though what Gabriel said “though He will slay me, yet will I trust in Him” is exemplary of this situation. I will say that a key focus for me would be on Psalm 23.

I am hardpressed to say that I was and am thankful for this trial, though I will say “the Lord is good and is above all things. His love endures forever“; He works “all things for the good of those who love Him, who has been called according to His purpose“.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23.5-6 [ESV]

That the Lord may grant grace for my eyes to be focused on Him, even as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

Psalm 124.1-4[ESV]
if it had not been the Lord who was on our side-
let Israel now say-
if it had not been the Lord who was on our side when people rose up against us, then they would have swallowed us up alive when their anger was kindled against us; then the flood would have swept us away, then the torrent would have gone over us.

From young I’ve had a problem: I tend to rely much on myself instead of on God, as should be the case. I find that for quite some time, God has been teaching me how to rely on Him. Regarding my classes and school-life, this is no big news to me- but that’s what I’m going to post about today.

I’ve been told, by my parents, from young to “give your best!” or to “put in all your effort!”. Sadly, enough I’ve never known my best- even if I can have put in much effort, still I may not have given my best. God has been teaching me since my classes have started some 6 weeks ago how even the most trivial of activities can be doable and even effortless, if only that God be the one to grant the grace that His strength be granted to carry me through the activity/day.

Today was a day out of norm. I woke up strangely coherent although the night before I slept at 2AM and woke up at 6. My body and mind was tired, yet a strange awareness filled me. Usually lethargic at that hour- I spent this morning with God the same way that I’ve not done so, ever since school began.

Today was a hectic, unexpected, tiring, yet God-blessed day. Out of a hectic mess, my Lord brought me forth through the storm of uncertainty and delivered me from my enemy of Fear and Anxiety. Thank the Lord for granting me Gabriel, if for the little comfort that he gave when I was agitated and pressed for time.

I was reading Matthew 26.6-13 this morning, and as I reflect upon it once again (after a visit to my bedridden great-grandmother). I find that the one thing that really speaks out to me is that we are to seek the Lord while He is yet to be found; while alive, that we are still allowed to seek/hunger after Him; while He grants the grace to us that we are still able to want to seek Him at all.

By the way God is teaching me that I need not have to put in so much effort and straining my mind and body, just to meet those high standards. All I have to do is to pray for God to grant the grace, thereafter to walk forward in faith, and to keep praying for the grace to not be stemmed there.

To ask God for His grace, to meet the standards that He has no problem meeting but that He has allowed to be put in place. All glory be to the Lord!

Everything is by the hand (the allowance) of God: every death, every life, every path, every pain, every joy. If you have lost, but now have found- it is by God. If you have had, but now have lost- it is by God. Only that the purpose, wisdom and might of the Lord be shown in the present moments of man, that man might glorify God and marvel at His greatness.

An eventful day yesterday, Gabriel and I went to Singapore’s isolated attraction as of this moment in time: Marina Barrage. While we were there, we listened to a sermon by Erwin Lutzer on how everything was by the hand of God- we speculated that there would be a trial sometime soon. It came sooner than expected.

We thought that the last shuttle would be at 9PM, however no sign of a cab nor a shuttle was in sight. Deciding to wait awhile longer, we began walking the winding path out to the closest train station at 9.30PM. Surrounded by construction sites and lots of male workers at such an hour, the winding and dusty interconnected roads didn’t help the situation one bit. As we walked the lonely road, we prayed and sang praises. On my part my breathing difficulties were threatening to begin, so i resigned myself to walking forward and to trust Gabriel to know where we are going- because after all, while Gabriel leads me, God leads him.

Some 40mins after we’ve begun walking out, my parents called and i asked a lift from them at the train station- the problem now was to actually reach the station. I told Gabriel “let’s just keep going forward. I’m going to trust God that we will actually reach the station, because there’s nothing else that I can do.” We kept right on walking, and somehow or rather we ended up at the train station.

Later on, my dad explained to us that the winding road was actually a “maze” that would lead back to the original spot that we came from (the Barrage) or lead us to the expressway. It was a wonder that we managed to get to the train station when we didn’t know the roads.

Reading on faith this morning reminded me of last night’s trial, and by God’s grace- He led us through, it is only by His grace that nothing else happened to Gabriel and myself.

Luke 18.27
The things that are impossible with men are possible with God.

These few weeks have been incredibly eventful, especially the days leading up to today. School has reopened and my workload’s tripled, while the management of time is not so much of an issue- the events in which are allowed by God to occur are more determining of how my days turn out.

I’ve a thorn in my flesh, and this thorn never fails to remind me that I’m ever the weakest link- i’ve terrible eyesight, so much so that the extent causes me to subconsciously berate myself over and over if i’ve to live a day without my source of sight (my glasses).

Perhaps today it occurred while I was running late to flag a direct bus to school, perhaps while i was taking a nap on the bus itself- i lost the pair of glasses, which i thought i kept in my sling-bag.

I was late to the lab, in addition to this, I wasn’t able to carry out what I usually would have been able to: readings, measurements, monitoring configuration, etc. To add to the cherry on top, my advisor and my team leader expected the same out of me ( and perhaps more) when I’m crippled by my lack of sight.

Through the day only God’s grace carried me through, yet that wasn’t the main lesson for me to learn. Since the day was hectic, along the way back home I pondered on how I was going to pass the next few days in my modules and my lab sessions. It was then that the impact of losing my glasses hit me, I suddenly realised that the next few days were as wasted time to me if I hadn’t the sight to see.

While I felt terror, disappointment, anger, frustration, uselessness, in my inward being I knew that God “works for the good of those who love Him“- the emotions could not overwhelm the knowledge that God allowed the best of each possible situation to occur to me. I was having trouble giving thanks for the suffering wholeheartedly, though I did give thanks because God had something else in mind when He allowed this to occur.

Gabriel came over awhile after I’ve arrived home, and later on in the night we listened to a sermon by Erwin Lutzer about Job and suffering. While it was by no means new to me (the message that is), the reminders were all too fresh of the thanks that I should have given for even the suffering- because God shall refine us to be as gold through the fires of trial.

I will not say that it is by any means easy to give thanks for suffering, but that giving thanks through suffering allows the beauty of God-refined character to shine through. I am still learning how to give thanks for them, thanks be to God!

Let’s see how God will walk me through the next few days without sight.

Why? What did they do? Ultimately what does it matter? It was just an innocent man like any other. Normal, probably introverted, a good man at heart. Yes, when the death of this normal man “coincides” with the temple’s consecrated protective veil being torn from the ceiling to the ground. Yes, when the death of this normal man provides a darkness over the land. Yes, when he died for no reason but everyone’s ire to be sated.

Who was responsible?
Them, the Israelites?
Them, the Romans?
Them, the authorities?
Them? No, us. All of us, every living human being.

What did we do? Why are we responsible, you say.
We were a Judas in betraying Jesus to the world, in exchange for our selfish wants.
We were the high priests in envying his purity, his position, his power, his innocence before God.
We were a Pilate in finding no fault in him, yet to appease the people’s dissension, we side the crowd; sending him to be whipped and then to crucify him.
We were the crowd in yearning his death, crucifying an innocent man.

He rebuked the winds, and the storm calmed [a]
He cast out demons, and the demons knew the authority [b] [c]
He caused a man, paralysed for 38 years, to walk and carry his mat with him [d]
He feeds a crowd of 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and two fishes, with 12 baskets of leftovers thereafter [e1] [e2] [e3]
He healed the sight of a man, who was blind from birth [f]
He brought a man back to life [g]

What did he do wrong?
Falsely accused, he kept silent.

Yet we go back to his death, and we give thanks as we realise that as this man hangs on the cross:
our inherent foulness pins this man to the cross of God’s will.
This man’s blood covers the nails, covers the cross- bridging the impure to the wholly pure.

16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” – John 3.16-17